Thursday, February 23, 2017

You Ain't Got Shit To Do; We Gonna Get High Today



The first hit took my breath away. I coughed and coughed, and coughed again.

And here's what I learned the first time I smoked pot:

"Duuuuuuude" is an acceptable pet name for your husband.
I'm fucking hilarious high. Serious comedy gold.
I'm totally not high.
I have never been so hungry in all my life.
My eyelids weigh 3 tons... a piece.
I could totally be normal in a conversation.
"Wait.... what if???" will exit my mouth.



Husband decided that he needed to see me high.
We just arrived home from a big box store, and we had furniture to put together.
Sure, let's get high!

So he crafted a bong like any seasoned college student, and we headed out back.
I don't really know what to expect. How do I do this? What's supposed to happen?

First hit: Disaster.
Second: I'm cool. Did I even inhale?
Third: Yeah, I definitely inhaled. Maybe I just can't get high.
Last: If I'm gonna do it, do it. Inhale. Hold. Cough. Cough. Cough.

Seriously disappointed for about 4 minutes.
Then I looked at my husband and said "I'm hungry." He, obviously, thought this was hilarious.
I ignored him and walked straight to the pantry. He followed me and, as I'm trying to decide between the Oreos, Cheetos, and twirlers, he reaches for a cereal bar.
I looked at him, "Your high food is a fucking nutrigrain bar?!?"
And that's when it hit me...

Everything is fucking hilarious. Everything.
I am all of a sudden a comedy genius, y'all. My storytelling is on point!!
I understand all the things the comedians talk about that always seemed like exaggerations.
I neeeeeeed a soft pretzel and cheese dip.
After drinking, hubs finds out that this shit isn't like the stuff he smoked in college.
He's unable to stand up.
I eat every piece of candy I can find.
And then I go to bed. I pass the hell out and sleep is epic.

The next morning - I'm not hungover. I don't know what I expected, but that wasn't it!

I need to do that again. The next time without alcohol, hot wings, and Mexican Coke.

- Written by an anonymous Jane while Jane was high.


Buffalo Dip

1 block cream cheese
1 can chicken
.5 cup ranch dressing
.5 cup buffalo sauce (NOT hot sauce) Sweet Baby Ray's is the best!
.5 shredded cheddar or mozzarella cheese

Heat all ingredients on the stove until melted together. Eat with tortilla chips or a spoon - I won't judge.


Brownies

.5 cup flour
1 cup sugar
.5 cup butter, melted
2 eggs
1/3 cup cocoa powder

Pre-heat oven to 350 F. Mix everything together. cook in 9x9 pan for 25-30 minutes. Eat warm.
Maybe with ice cream.

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