Saturday, January 21, 2017

Women's Periods...They Suck.

Ladies, let's chat about something we all experience. It causes insane amounts of pain. It's something we are taught to speak discreetly about which leads to awkward conversations and silly nicknames. I'm talking about periods.

Even at 35 years old, I still have little control over my period. I was blessed with 3 years of no periods, but that came at a cost: two kids only 17 months apart from each other. While I have a basic understanding of what is going on inside my body, it still surprises me. I woke up just a few days ago and thought I was in a crime scene. Seriously. What the hell, uterus?!?

I have friends who are blessed with dainty periods that last just a few days and are handled with one regular tampon and a pantyliner. These people are unicorns and should be handled with care. My body thinks every two weeks or so is the perfect time to burn itself down. It also thinks that one box of tampons isn't nearly enough for us every two weeks. I should have bought stock in Tampax years ago!

From early on I learned not to talk about my period. Apparently, periods are the girl version of Fight Club. I guess it fits, except there's only one person involved and much more blood. "Aunt Flo," "Riding the crimson wave," "Being on your cycle," and the incredibly crass "The rag" were how it was referred to when I was young. Why are we taught to be ashamed of something our bodies do that we have absolutely no control over?

Additionally, I was always told to be discreet about my feminine products. To this day, I hide my tampon in my sleeve or in my waistband so no one sees what I have. This is the only reason I started carrying a purse when I was in middle school. I was 12. What the hell else did I have to carry?!? I remember the trauma of a teacher asking why I was taking my purse when I asked to use the restroom, and I vividly recall praying for the classroom floor to swallow me whole. Why must we be so secretive about our periods? It's not like girls have a secret code at 10 to 13 years old where we say the magic words to bring on the blood of our ancestors. Who in their right mind would wish that on themselves every month for the next 50ish years? NO ONE!!

Many people I know have painless periods. They can lick a baby Tylenol and be fine. I, on the other hand, have to pray to start on a weekend, so I can stay in bed for at least 36 hours curled up with heating pads and whatever pain meds we have in the house. I never had perfect attendance in middle and high school because my uterus hated me from day one. That bitch is ruthless! My primary desires for my daughter are for her to grow up to be a nice person and for her to not have inherited my hellacious periods! If those both come true, I'll consider myself a successful mom.

If the "joys" of periods aren't enough, when women grow older, we experience menopause. Even that has a nickname, "The Change," as if we're morphing into superheroes. Actually, we're just getting old and having hot flashes. Sure the periods end, but at what cost? I've haven't experienced menopause yet, but I've heard enough stories to know that it is its own special hell on earth.

Of course, being a girl comes with perks too. It's more socially acceptable for us to wear maxi-dresses and cardigans every day; often our names (Mom, Mama, Mother, etc.) are the only ones our children are able to scream at all hours of the day leaving us to be the only ones able to care for them; we must have superhuman powers which allow us to be the only ones to see when the empty toilet paper roll needs to be replaced. But... periods are just too much.

If men experienced periods every month, you can guarantee that science would have discovered an easy way to decrease the discomfort and generally atrocious experience by now!

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