Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Self-Sabatoge: When You're Your Own Worst Enemy

Every week I say it at least once.

I'm going to break, I'm absolutely going to lose my shit.

This week is no exception. I feel like everything is just falling apart around me. I'm bursting at the seams and I really think I might explode.

I grew up admiring amazingly strong women - free-thinking, independent, liberal, bleeding-heart women. I discovered Gloria Steinem in high school. I came across her article, "After Black Power, Women's Liberation," and every word of it spoke to me. I was a feminist, all the way. I wanted to be as strong as her, as powerful as her. I was going to make a difference. I was going to see and do great things. So many great things. Then, life got in the way. 

I married at 20, had my daughter at 25, and was divorced by the time I was 28. I had become everything I swore I would never be - a dependent woman. I've spent the better part of a decade trying to prove that I am independent, that I am still going to do great things, and that I am strong...and I'm failing miserably at it. The minute I feel like I'm getting my shit together, I fuck it up. I fuck it up, every single time. Somewhere along the way that girl that was dying to make a change in the world just slowly started dying. It's been a vicious cycle of failure, rebuilding, and then knocking it all back down again. That cycle applies to all aspects of my life: Relationships? Disasters. Career choices? Disasters. Parenting? You guessed it.

It has taken me almost a decade to even admit to myself that I am my worst enemy. I am the root of all of my problems. My impulse control is lacking, and the realization of said self-destruction has been the biggest slap in the face. It was literally an awakening when it hit me: Hey, it's you. Get your shit together. 

I'm rebuilding once again but this time I'm not going to knock it down. Self-awareness is a real bitch and once you're fully aware, there's no turning back. There's no one else to blame. I'm holding myself accountable for once - fully accountable. I have a daughter that I have to prove something to before she takes off on her own and tries to navigate this world. I only wish I had realized it sooner. 

I'm a beautiful, crazy disaster. I can finally see it and admit it now. I know that strong, independent woman is in there and she is pushing hard to come out now. It's time to let her loose and stop knocking her back down. The 5th enrollment in college is the charm! I can't wait to see what she can do.

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