Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Dear Ex-Boyfriend: You're A Narcissistic Asswipe And I Thought You Should Know

There is a nasty little voice in my head that sometimes tells me, "No man is ever going to put up with all of your mood swings and problems," and "Most men don't really like feminists." This voice sounds remarkably like my ex-boyfriend. As you can tell, Mr. Ex was clearly a keeper (Note: dripping sarcasm).



When we broke up, Mr. Ex listed my faults like a judge lists charges in a courtroom. According to him, I was a bad person for being feminist, independent, and strong enough to think I would be happier by myself than with a man. I took the high road and, as a result, I barely defended myself against his accusations.

Now it's time to destroy that nasty little voice and defend myself, once and for all. Mr. Ex will probably never read this, but that's okay. It's not about him anymore.


Dear Mr. Ex:

When we broke up, you made my many faults and shortcomings quite clear. But turnabout is fair play. Let's go over all your faults now, shall we?
  1. You don't like dogs. Who the hell doesn't like dogs?
  2. In addition to disliking dogs, you are a homophobic racist. You rely on the formula "I'm not... I just..." to legitimize your bullshit opinions. For example: "I'm not homophobic, I just don't like when gay people are open about it." Yeah, that means you're homophobic. Or this gem: "I'm not racist, I just like places better when there are all white people. Like Poland." You're a RACIST, dumbass. 
  3. On that note, you're the most judgmental person ever. You judge fat people, poor people, depressed people, LGBT people, liberals, conservatives, smokers, people with lots of sexual partners, people with no sexual partners, dog owners, feminists, socialists, communists, environmentalists, and pretty much anything ending in -ist. Exception: capitalists.
  4. You believe I'm so weak-minded that my political opinions are the result of liberal brainwashing. It is unfathomable to you that an educated, intelligent woman can have valid opinions that contradict yours.
  5. When I wasn't as peppy or happy as you, you accused me of being lazy and not trying hard enough. In fact, you thought my depression was something I could "just get over." 
  6. Your real problem is that you can't see the world from someone else's perspective. And worse, you refuse to try. 
  7. Come to think of it, you exhibit signs of textbook narcissism. No wonder you don't like dogs. It's a wonder you like any animal. And yet, I'm the bad person for my dog-loving and feminist ways. Right. 
Perhaps one day you'll change and grow up, but I won't be sticking around to chance it. After our breakup, I'm stronger, freer, and fiercer than ever before. I love myself, with all my quirks, moods, and faults, and that love is more than enough for me. 

Not-so-sincerely,

Jane of Arc 

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