Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Walking On Eggshells Around The Elephant In The Room

I sent a hateful, unnecessary text the other day. I wish I could say that I felt regret or was in a painful moment of fury when I sent it, but I wasn't. It was deliberate, carefully worded, and planned. I was a hateful bitch. Yes, on purpose. 

I didn't make excuses, lie, or exaggerate the truth in any way in my text. This may not seem like a big deal to most of you, but I was raised to keep my mouth shut if I didn't have rainbows and glittery unicorn words to say. I was taught that ugly obvious truths should be ignored and never spoken aloud. We all see the elephant in the room, but we politely ignore it and pretend it's not there. I've carried this into adulthood for the most part and adopted a Buddhist-like take on speaking ugly truths. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? And so on.  

I haven't followed these guidelines perfectly. I've been pissed off and said things out of anger like anyone, but I can safely say that's the exception, not the rule. And I always felt guilt and shame for speaking unkind and unnecessary truths in a passionate moment because I held myself to the standard of turning the other cheek. Don't burn any bridges, Chloé... Don't be mean, Chloé... You don't have to lower yourself to their level, Chloé... Be the bigger person, Chloé... (Insert gagging sound here.)

This time, I do not feel guilt or regret. In fact, I'm so fucking proud of my words that I'm tempted to print them out in a pretty font, stick them in a flowery frame, and hang them on my wall, so that I don't forget how eloquently and accurately I told someone to go fuck themselves. Their elephant was not only in the room, it was shitting on me. Instead of ignoring it and politely turning the other cheek, I texted, "Your fucking elephant just shit on me, bitch!"

And it felt good to blurt out the ugly truth even though it wasn't pretty, or sweet, or even necessary. It was necessary for me. It was necessary that I boldly said what needed to be said for one person - ME!

For too many years I've tiptoed through life around elephants and their bullshit. When the elephants were too horrific or messy to simply ignore, I wasted time and energy painting my responses pink and rosy. Susie didn't steal from me; she accidentally borrowed something. No problem. She can have it. Mary didn't fuck my boyfriend; she got drunk and had a one-night stand. It's okay. We've all made mistakes. Laura didn't use me for money; she was just having a hard time. No problem. Lisa didn't blow my phone up day and night with her problems, and then disappear the minute I needed to talk about something personal. She was just going through her own stuff. No worries...

Fuck that! I have removed my rosy-up-your-bullshit filter, and I'm screaming "ELEPHANT!" when I see one. And if it's shitting on my floor, or on my foot, or even just in my yard, I'm going to scream, "YOUR ELEPHANT IS SHITTING. CLEAN IT UP!"

My filter removal is probably not going to gain me friends or increase my popularity. I am fully aware that burning bridges by speaking ugly truths is the fast track to being openly hated. I'm not a hateful person by nature, so I'll certainly not search for these situations. But I've decided to never accept personal shame or guilt ever again for doing what is necessary for me. Necessary is now defined by MY needs, MY peace, and MY joy. My necessary doesn't have to be what's best for everyone; it only has to be what's best for me - what satisfies my soul and protects the truth of my spirit. 

I still like to paint my toes pink, go barefoot, and kiss the ground when I walk. I still like soft, fuzzy, pretty things and finding the beauty in the world around me. I still like flowery sundresses and shiny bubblegum flavored lipgloss. But I do NOT like swallowing your ugly truths. I will NOT suck up your shit with a smile on my face. I will NOT meditate or walk the beach until I quietly forgive you for letting your elephant take a shit in my living room. I will NOT color little hearts and ribbons around the truth before speaking it in order to keep the bridge between us intact.

I choose to vocalize the beautiful truth and proclaim what is necessary to my soul. I will boldly and lewdly scream, "FUCK YOU AND YOUR ELEPHANT SHIT!" Then I will kiss the earth with my feet and twirl in lovely circles, as I burn down your motherfucking bridge of bullshit. 

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