Thursday, May 12, 2016

Saera Jane VS. Internet Dating (S1, Ep1)

As some of you may already know, my (ex) husband and I split up seven months ago. As a single mom  of two with a full-time job and more responsibilities than I can feasibly keep track of, I have about as much free time as a Doctors Without Borders volunteer in South Sudan, working the malaria beat. So, basically, none. So I decided to give the grand world of internet dating a shot just to meet some friends and see what's out there - and maybe take my mind off of some of the bouts of sadness and self-doubt I still experience from time to time. And, oh, boy! Let me be the first to tell you that "what's out there" is fucking CRAY.

I just about deleted my accounts after the first week of messages I received. But then I started thinking... Why do men get to be total creepy dicks on the internet with little to no repercussions? Why are women always characterized as these love-starved weaklings or pieces of harlot ass? I'm happy to report that I have, thus far, received ZERO dick pics (I'm a pretty excellent screener); however, I have received a veritable ton of strange, perverse, and straight-up hilarious messages. It's been incredibly entertaining, to say the least - and what kind of Jane would I be if I didn't share with you my own personal battles against the masochistic juggernaut that is internet dating? There will be more to come in this series, but for now... Please. Have a laugh on me.
At first, I didn't know what to expect or even how the online dating thing worked. So I just let the messages roll in to see what kind of fish were in this sea...

It was right after I received these endearing and illuminating messages that I was about to hit delete on my accounts. I mean, who wants to deal with this shit? But then... I had a better idea! What if I actually started replying to these fuckers how I would reply in real life? None of these asshats would ever deign to say this shit to my face (especially if they knew me), but they feel that, because they're hiding behind their computer screens, they can say whatever they like, and the women out there "looking for love" will just politely ignore it or fall for the bullshit. Well, fuuuuuuuck that. So I set out on my quest to make sure that some of these guys started to develop a healthy dose of fear about sending stupid ass messages out to women in the internet dating world.

This guy bragged about his amazing body and "what all women think of his sexual prowess."

This guy made a point of reading my entire (lengthy) profile, yet didn't have one piece of information on his own profile. That's dedication to finding love.

This guy had ALL the lines, so I thought I'd see if he could hang...

Then "Line Guy" got all incredulous on me...

And when I didn't respond, there was a sudden but noticeable change in his tune. 
"I love her to."

This guy was, like, 12. Which explains why he didn't read my profile to see that it says, "DO NOT OPEN WITH 'YOU'RE PRETTY' OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT."

Tune in again for our next segment of Saera Jane VS. Internet Dating. It gets much, much worse... and infinitely more hilarious.

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