Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Don't Be A Shithead, Be Accountable

A friend of mine had committed to doing something for me. I was counting on it, planning on it, and had stopped thinking about it because I knew she would do it. When it came time for her to do this thing, she didn't. And I was pissed! In the midst of my own personal temper tantrum, I realized something that bothered me even more than her not doing it. I realized I was pissed at myself.
I realized that I am just as guilty of not following through just as she hadn't. I had to stop, step back, and think. I had to take a long hard look at when I may have been guilty of saying I'll do something and not doing it. I realized that my struggle with following through was not limited to my personal life. It happens at work. It happens with my family. It happens with my friends. The fact is it happens a lot. And I don't want to be that person. I don't to be the person that says that they'll do something and doesn't follow through. I hate that person! But sure as shit, that's me!

So, thankfully, my next thought was, how do I fix it? How do I stop saying, “Sure, I'll do that. No problem,” when I just don’t have the time. I realized that I'm overextending myself. Now, if someone said, “Hey, are you stressed?” Of course I'd say, "Yes, well, duh. Isn't everybody stressed?!" But the stress and overextending is causing me to turn into a really shitty person. I don't want to be a shitty person anymore. I'm done being shitty.

So I've had to make some very hard decisions. I've had to decide that some things in my life have to go because, when I give my word, I want to be known for following through. I want to be reliable. I want to be trustworthy. I want to be responsible. How can I raise my children, telling them that they have to do what they say they'll do, and then modeling through my behavior the opposite of what I'm trying to teach them?

Maya Angelou once said, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” I'm showing people that I'm a shit person. And that makes me ill. This isn’t a giant hate letter to myself; it's looking at myself in the mirror and being honest about the person I see reflected back. I have to make changes in my life. I have to cut down. I have to give my word and keep it. If I can't do something, I have to say no, not feel guilty, and not feel like less of a person.

I do not owe the world anything, but, if I say I am going to do something, I owe that person the value of keeping my word. I don’t want to be the person no one can count on. I want to be trustworthy for others. Even more so, I want to be trustworthy for myself. I need to keep my commitments to me. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not flinch when I think about everything I said I would do and then didn’t do them. I’m going to have regrets in life because, well, that’s life. But being a shitty person because I am not keeping my word is a regret I have the ability to stop going forward.

This is my promise to myself: Going forward, I will mean what I say and say what I mean. If I can’t get something done, I will not commit. If I say I will do something, I will get it done. I will get over feeling like I’m responsible for the world because I’m not, and that added guilt sucks. Today, I am done being a shit. I am stepping up to be a person of my word because I am better than the person I have become!

1 comment:

  1. Ha!! I so want to apply to being a UJ writer. On top of grad school. On top of working. On top of solo parenting. On top get the point. Thank you for this article. I will not be joining you now. You are bookmarked. You are the greatest discovery in (my internet) history. But thanks to this article, I'll be worshipping you from outside the inner sanctum! Stay unchained!