Wednesday, April 20, 2016

For The Males: To Be or Not To Be (A Dick To Women)

The world is obsessed with dick. Yeah, I said it. If it isn't little boys discovering their new toys, then it's men bragging about size and shape. If it isn't the common joke on TV, in the movies, or floating in the media, then it's most obviously found in the dirty movies kept hidden behind the black curtain or on the websites best known for the worst viruses. Some women have experienced a variety. Others, just that one special one, and still yet others keep a box of assorted dismembered peni in that one special place with a potpourri bag and a bottle of lube. In the end, it doesn't matter what your bragging rights are. What's important is that you don't be one - a dick, I mean. And I say this to any males that happened upon this here article. Ladies, knowledge is power. Feel free to share this free advice with your male friends so they understand how to not be a dick to women. Print it and put in in your local post office and public restrooms.

Top 5 Suggestions to Avoid Being a Dick:
  1. Don't let the responsibility of maintaining the foundation of a relationship fall solely on your female counterpart. If you passed kindergarten, then you can spell and, therefore, fucking text first sometimes. It's called "taking initiative." Capiche?
  2. Tell her she's beautiful often because, if you don't, then the media that comes from all angles will tell her why she isn't. So don't fail her and allow her to buy that lipstain because of the falsehoods and lies about what is "beautiful."
  3. When she has no voice, BE her voice. As mothers, we are the voice for our youth. As women, we are the voice of nurture and care. As a wife, we are the voice of support and so on. But when someone tries to steal our voice, speak up and speak loudly.
  4. Dates are awesome. Holding hands is great. A passionate kiss is a memory. A dick pic is, well, trash. And I tend to empty that folder often as I'm sure others do as well.
  5. Be respectful, not only of your lady, but of others. And remember that silence golden, but duct tape is silver. I won't elaborate on this one. You can go to church with it or go 50 Shades. Your choice.
In the end, and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what's behind the zipper as long as you're not a head-to-toe kind of dick. A six-foot dick under any circumstances is unacceptable. And it's not hard to not be a dick. See? I got it down to five easy steps. Now go forth and be that dickless wonder we all know you can be. Wait…huh? I meant, don't be a dick. We have faith in you! Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket!

And, ladies, if you find yourself with a dick, be confident enough to pull on your six-inch heels and sashay your way to the door. Afterall, before women discover dicks, we discover our digits. We can complete ourselves!

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