Thursday, March 31, 2016

JanesList: 4 Hilarious Things That Happen To Women in Their 40's

Forty-four. Seems like just yesterday I was in my twenties and now I am turning forty-four. Where does the time go? I feel as though I woke up one day and suddenly I was a “mature” woman (and I use that term loosely). Between raising two children and trying unsuccessfully to raise two husbands (not at the same time mind you), I forgot I was growing older. Until one day I realized that things were changing. My body was changing, my thoughts were changing, and also my priorities. I could no longer do some of the things I use to do. So here is my handy "short list" of the strange and amazing things that happened to me after forty - just so you can prepare yourself...

You will go through your second puberty and meet your alter ego: The Bearded Lady.

Mood swings, pimples, hair growing in strange places. No, I am not taking you on a trip down memory lane. I am talking about your second puberty - the one that hits you in your forties. There you are, minding your own business, and you feel a small bump on your face. Bug bite? You take a look in the mirror and there, staring back at you, is a pimple; and that’s not even the worst of it. Chin hairs. Yes, that’s right. It starts out as one stray hair. You think, “That’s odd. Wonder where that came from?” Then, suddenly you feel like joining the circus as the bearded lady. Oh, and let us not forget about those wonderful mood swings. If you are lucky enough to have a saint of a man, one that can handle you when you are up, when you are down, and when you are completely out of your freaking mind, keep him, love him.

The words retro and classic are now used to describe everything from your childhood.

Okay, so I am a child of the 80's. Big hair, blue eye shadow, owned stock in Aquanet - the whole kit and caboodle. I am sure some of you can relate. So when my daughter decided to have an 80's themed party for her sixteenth birthday, I was stoked. I pulled out my yearbooks and all my old photos. I shared with her anything I had saved from my awesome teenage years, to include prom dresses and Bon Jovi posters. She was very excited, looking at each item with interest and laughing at my photos. It was so much fun, until she turned to me and said that one word: Retro. She called my amazing teenage years, my fabulous hair, the neon outfits…she called them “retro.” Be still my poor heart. Shortly after recovering from that trauma, I was jamming out to the Go Go’s on the radio, when the announcer came on and said, “And that is a classic from 1985.” A classic? (sobs) Wow.

You can no longer party like a rock star.

Okay, I am not saying that you can’t have a good time, or get a little wild sometimes, or maybe go out with a few young, virile men. However, you might want to steer clear of things you are not used to. Like marijuana for instance. Now if you have been using for a while then, by all means, do your thing girl. I am talking about us first-timers. Trust me, you might end up laying on your back in a dress next to a dumpster scratching your va-jay-jay because an ant decided to bite your taco. True story. So, take it from me: Sometimes it’s best to stick with what you know. Also, you will now institute a bedtime for yourself. Two drinks and you are ready for bed, and it’s only 9:30 pm.

You just don’t give a shit anymore.

This is the great part. You have made it through forty-something-years. You can look back at these petty things you once cared about and say, “Fuck it.” You are in your forties, and you are amazing. You know who you are, and you love who you have become. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Have fun, and be the beautiful woman you were designed to be. Nothing that anyone says matters anymore because you have been on this planet forty-something amazing years. You rock, sister!

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