Thursday, March 10, 2016

An Open Letter to The Males: Men, Get It Together - Seriously



Dear Men,

Please – for the sake of all that is holy – get it together. The smart, beautiful, amazing, dynamic women around you deserve much better than you've been ponying up for them. Now, before you get your tighty-whities in a wad, I'm not speaking to those men who live their lives day-to-day, humbly taking care of their women, kids, and general responsibilities. I'm not talking to the men who are true partners and teammates, and are striving every day to do better and be better. I'm speaking to two specific sects of men who really just need to go back to the drawing board and reevaluate – I don't know – their entire lives. For the sake of efficiency, please skip to the section below that applies to you, and note that those are two opposite ends of the spectrum (but, oddly, still sometimes congruent). It'd be great if maybe you could squeeze somewhere in the middle of these two and be a normal, grown-up human being.


Mr. Bow Down And Worship Me in All My Awesomeness

Dude. Just shut the fuck up. That means mouth closed and ears open. Listen. That means take a good hard look in the mirror and repeat after me: I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. I AM NOT IN CHARGE OF MY WOMAN AND WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER LIFE. MY WOMAN HAS THOUGHTS AND DREAMS, MOMENTS WHERE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON HERS SHOULDERS, AND IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY, AS HER MAN, TO SUPPORT HER AND ENSURE SHE FEELS VALUED. BECAUSE SHE'S VALUABLE. See? That wasn't so hard, was it?

Let me explain something. Your lady is your partner. She is also the glue. She is the person who takes care of you, takes care of your kids, runs the household, plans the social events, knows when you're out of toilet paper, brings your sick, helpless ass soup in bed, makes the important appointments, reminds you of your mother's birthday, and is, generally, the captain of your ship. You may think you're smarter or stronger or better than her, but you are, most assuredly, not. You are not her boss or her life coach. She can do more in ten minutes with an iPhone than you even thought about doing in the first six hours of your day. Have some fucking respect and humility. Your lady is a whole person, separate and apart from you, that has feelings and needs different than your own. It is your responsibility to understand those needs in the most empathetic and caring way possible and to take care of her. You take care of her. Again, you take care of her. You do not, under any circumstances, put you – in all your awesomeness – above her. The wheels will undoubtedly fall off the bus if you choose to proceed in that way. Conversely, by nature, women will bend over backwards to give you the world if you just CHOOSE THEM – every day. If you consistently choose yourself, you are certainly not worthy of that amazing woman you're so privileged to call your own. But don't worry - she will realize that soon enough.


Mr. I Need My Blankie

Sir. Put the blankie down. Put it down slowly. Sir, kick the blankie over toward me and keep your hands where I can see them. Seriously, men. Since when did 30-, 40- and 50-year-old men need their women to be their mommies? Your head hurts and you don't know what to do about it? You're having trouble with your coworker that's being a meany to you? Your mommy and daddy won't lend you that money that you really, really want in order to *insert bullshit idea here*? You have a toothache because you haven't done that grown-ass adult thing where you actually attend your dentist appointments? Your friend teased you and it hurt your little feelers because it hit a little too close to home for you? You need your lady to constantly reassure you that you are, indeed, an adult that is capable of not always being a victim of circumstance?

Pull yourself together. Grow up. Do that thing where you actually figure things out for yourself instead of expecting the women around you – your mother included – to constantly fuss over what's happening in your tiny world. Google. Make phone calls. Talk to your friends. Do shit with your friends. Ask people who know more than you do and then – OMG – actually take their advice. Stop expecting things to be dropped in your lap because you throw your hand across your dainty forehead and feign helplessness. For fuck's sake, you can even "ask Siri," which is, of course, a woman's voice to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Quit clinging to your baby boy blankie and expecting your lady to care for you like your mommy did (Note to Mom: Sorry. You're going to have to take some ownership on this one. You did this. You have to help undo it. Cut him off from the mommy-ing). Your woman needs a partner and teammate; someone to help her when she (very occasionally) falls apart. You can't be that person if you're always playing the victim and taking from her. So, go ahead, Linus. Give up the blankie and start doing the big boy things. If your lady wanted another kid to take care of, she would have had one.

No comments:

Post a Comment