Friday, January 1, 2016

Point A to Point B: A 7-Point Guide to Owning 2016 Like A Motherfucker


You've seen the words floating across our social media pages already - you have 365 news days ahead of you to wake up and, each day, decide what you want your life to look like. There's something about new beginnings, a fresh start, a clean slate. It's all very exciting!!! ...and also daunting. How do I own this shit like a motherfucker, Saera? I don't even know where to start with my motherfuckering. And when I try to "own" something, I tend to get a little off-track or a little lost along the way. It's really more of "lease," than an "own." Sigh.

Well, I've decided to put together this handy-dandy guide for you to kick your 2016 off the right way - and also to come back to reference in case you ever get lost in the thicket of life drama, high hurdles, and your uninvited BFF, self-doubt. You can circle back here any time you need to and try to nail down where you're at in your process of meeting your goal, in getting from Point A to Point B (or Point Z, if you're a seriously gangsta motherfucker).

Here's your 7-point Guide to Owning 2016 Like A Motherfucker:

1. FOCUS. Motherfuckers make decisions. You're literally not going to do a damn thing about where you want to be until you decide where you want to be. So decide. And then write that shit down everywhere in your eyeline - your bathroom mirror, your car, your office at work, your vision board (yes, motherfuckers have vision boards). It's hard to ignore shit that's literally always up in your grill.

2. GET INFORMED. If you're all done with the leasing game and actually want to OWN how your year is going to go, you're going to need to get educated on your goal and all of your options to get there. Read everything you can get your hands on - lunch breaks, morning coffee time, pee breaks, whenever.  Don't listen to your two best friends or your mom and call it a day just because they think they know what you're up against. They don't. Read. Read. Read. You're always on the damn Internet anyway. Motherfuckers figure out what they don't know and then they learn it. You'll be surprised at how much more motivated, excited, and committed you feel about your goal as you learn more about it.

3. DO. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy, right? No. That little bitch, self-doubt, hangs out around here, offering you donuts or cigarettes or naps or Netflix. Let's be real - that bitch has some good stuff. But fuck her - what has she done for you lately, other than sabotage your goals? The thing about "doing" is that the more you do, the more you'll do. Convincing yourself to "do" gets easier every time you do it. I'm not going to lie - it's a shitshow at first. That internal dialogue of "should I?" or "shouldn't I?" or "maybe tomorrow, but if I wait, then I'll feel bad, but I'm really not into right now, so maybe I'll just binge watch an entire season of Orange Is the New Black instead." Just fucking do it. Even when it's hard. You got this.

4. BE PATIENT (with the process and yourself). If goals weren't hard, they wouldn't be goals. They'd just be some shit you did once while you were picking your thong out of your ass. Because goals are, by definition, something for which you strive, it's going to be disgustingly easy to get down on yourself and/or the path you've chosen. Pay close attention to when those feelings of frustration start to well up inside of you. I'm going to tell you to do something here that is literally the most gangsta life-hack I've ever learned: When you feel that burning frustration and the insurmountable stress of "going nowhere" bearing down on you - when you're wondering why it feels like your efforts are futile - GO TO SLEEP. That's it. Motherfuckers know when it's time to regroup and recoup. Start again tomorrow.

5. WORK YOUR ASS OFF. Unfortunately, there's a shortage of rich, benevolent, generous homeboys and homegirls out there just doling out fulfilled goals to people. As such, it's on you, baby. You'll get out what you put in. Hold yourself to standards higher than you believe you can reach. Then send us a selfie of your smirking face when you shock the living shit out of yourself and everyone around you. You are capable of things far greater than you've ever given yourself credit. Nose to the grindstone. Every day. And don't forget the selfie.

6. IGNORE THE HATERS. Haters are either inexplicably jealous or naturally judgmental. Either way, fuck 'em. That's a direct quote. You can borrow it. What these folks think of what you're doing is none of your business. You do you, ladies, and let them twist themselves up in knots about what their own couch-surfing ass is NOT doing. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. (One exception to this rule: When the haters get really loud, that's when you know you're on the right track and starting to really own your life. Do not abort. Do not quit.)

7. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH BELIEVERS. Motherfuckers need other like-minded, supportive motherfuckers around them. And by supportive motherfucker, I mean that friend or family member or social group that's going to be a for-real motherfucker to you when they see you slacking or giving up on yourself. "Hey, Gina, you haven't mentioned *insert goal here* in a while - you sure you aren't turning into a lazy asshat? Okay. Just making sure." We all need to feel connections around our goals. We need to know that we aren't the only one who cares about our success. Make sure you find at least one person you can rely on to push you, encourage you, inquire about your progress, and remind you that broke up with you BFF, self-doubt, for a reason - that bitch no good. And if you can't find that person, send us a message - we'll be happy to tell you you're being a lazy asshat.

Happy New Year to you, Janes! Let's get it poppin'!

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