Wednesday, August 19, 2015

My Week in Review: 7 Batshit Female Meltdowns

I've been a female for, like, 29 (plus an additional undisclosed number of) years. One would think that, logically, I might have this whole "being female" thing down by now.  Apparently, I don't. Or maybe I do, but I've just forgotten because my children make me so batshit-fucking-crazy that I forget simple things - like putting the car in "park." Oops. Either way, I learned some shit this week about having a female meltdown that sort of irritated surprised me. Am I the only one that is shocked when these things happen???

1. When someone calls me a "cocksucker," I want to yell, "you wish!" instead of being actually offended. Huh?

2. I would rather have someone stretch my labia over my ears and pull my large intestine out through my anus than have period cramps. But every month I'm, like, WHAT THAT FUCK IS THAT WRETCHED, OPPRESSING PAIN TRYING TO DRIVE ME TO A PREMATURE DEATH??

3. When someone comes at one of my kids, I turn into a raving fucking lunatic. Think Ivan the Terrible meets Jack the Ripper = Saera the Psychotic. My husband hid our knife block in a place where I believe all of our spiders live, so it's all good for now. But I did need to have the story recounted to me because how am I supposed to remember who I hit in the face with my purse?

4. I feel an immediate, undeniable rage when I'm crying (damn you, sappy commercials about babies and puppies!) and someone asks me in an incredulous, loud voice, "ARE YOU CRYING????" (Insert murder face here.)

5. When I have a nagging in the back of my head about something (some would call it "female intuition"), and, instead of walking that out, I ignore it and push it down.  Then I end up kicking my own ass a month later because fucking DUH.

6. I will sleep as long as you let me. And then I will be mad that you let me sleep that long because I have shit to do!

7. The shit that I have to do is shit that I put on myself (except for picking up stank-ass boy shoes out of the middle of the damn floor). But I continually ask myself how I got so busy. Maybe it's because my to-do lists have to-do lists, which have subsections of to-do lists. Nah, that's probably not it.

So, whatdayathink? Am I the only one that still shocks herself with this kind of shit that I've been doing for decades? Overall, it was a super peachy week. Good talk.


* Saera Jane *

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