Saturday, July 18, 2015

UJ's Sex Toy Review (For HER Pleasure)

"Sexy-Red-Lips Happy-Girl" by Robert & Mihaela Vicol - Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons -

Since we are in the heat of our Sexy Series, I'm going to break it down for you.  When I was 11 years old, I found a dildo in my mom's dresser drawer.  I was looking for something else (obviously) and she was in the room.  It was pink and sparkly and I knew what it was - without really understanding - the moment I saw it.  And I was totally mortified.  My mom jumped right up as soon as she realized what I had stumbled upon and slammed the dresser drawer shut.

And that was it.  That was the extent of my experience with sex toys until I got married. And, since I'm laying it all out there, there wasn't much experience with sex toys during my marriage either - outside of the standard Sex Bingo, Sex Dice, and Sexy Coupons.  You know, those Sexy Coupons where you tear one out and give it to your partner to blackmail you for a blowjob at the most inopportune possible time? Such fun...

It wasn't really until I found myself living the single mom life that I thought to myself, "Maybe I should just grab a little something for myself since it doesn't seem like I'll be getting much of the real thing for a while." I had no fucking clue what I was looking for or what works or what I would enjoy.  So, I grabbed the cutest, smallest, pinkest, sparkliest little dildo that I could find and took it home.

It was the WORST.  You see, what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.  And I had never prioritized MY sexual exploration and MY sexual pleasure as a thing about which I should be overly concerned.  It had always been about making my partner happy.  Making sure it was hot for him.  Making sure his happy ending was... well, happy.

That shitty little dildo was sooooo much work, and it never seemed to hit the right spots.  Worse, it wasn't soft or rhythmic or flexible.  I should have saved the $70 and used it to buy a cucumber and lots of booze.  Might have had a better shot at an orgasm that way - or, at a minimum, I'd get drunk and naked and it'd make a good story later.  I tried a series of ways to "make it work," but, at each turn, it all was just awful and frustrating. The whole experience birthed something really wonderful, though: I was curious about what MIGHT work.

Prolonged sexual frustration, it seems, is rather motivating. Enter stage right: A veritable slew of sex toys in all different forms, colors, shapes, sizes, and vibrating speeds. I was going to figure myself out, damn it.  My sexual preferences and turn-ons were going to be a priority.  (Don't worry - they still are.) I was on a mission.

So... Did I find out what worked? Do I know everything about my body and what stimulates it and what kills it for me?

Well, let's just say that I'm fairly well-versed in my own sexuality now.  I found many things that turned me on, many things that help with that whole orgasm thing, and, interestingly, I found out which things kill the deal from the beginning.  I do not proclaim omniscience about the world of sexual pleasure - not even my own.  I continue to explore and enjoy the process and make sure my ending is happy. But exploring is half of the fun!

My point in telling you about my foray into the world of dildos, vibrators, cockrings and Ben-Wa balls is this: Don't shy away from giving yourself sexual pleasure and taking the time to figure out how to do that.  Talk about it with your partner (you'll be surprised how many are down for it!).  Spend an hour by yourself after the kids go to bed. Browse a sex toy shop on your lunch break. There is NO SHAME in women enjoying sex, desiring an orgasm, and playing with the tools that Adam & Eve gave them.

Here are a few toys that I've found to be really "helpful" and super fun.  Give them a shot and don't forget the lube!

1. The multi-speed, rotating vibrator. If you try only ONE thing on this list, try this. A cute little animal to pay attention to your clitoris is a bonus (or, if you're like me, an essential).  The Wet Rabbit Vibrator is a great starter and is waterproof, but you have options for days:

2. The Doggie Belt. At the risk of stating the obvious, it's a waist/hip strap that wraps around the front of a woman's waist for doggie-style. It has wrist straps on either for your partner to create leverage to pull you backward toward them. In this case, leverage is good. For a more detailed description, follow this rabbit hole:

3. Hello Touch. Ain't technology wonderful? This little tech-y bit is, basically, a wristband with a battery pack, which power two little vibrating fingerpads. You can wear it or your partner can wear it and use it to "help" you. Either way, you can't argue with a portable clit-size vibrating pad that you can manipulate with the flick of a finger. If you're done trying to argue and just want to try it, here you go:

4. The vibrating penis ring. Not only can you prolong the "staying power" of your man's erection with this beauty, but there's a nice little surprise for YOU as well - a small, vibrating bullet inserted behind a clitoris-rubbing protrusion. Just make sure you size the ring well because, you know, not all men are built the same... Luckily, there's quite a selection:

5. The Bullet. Talk about handy-dandy. This little vibrating nugget fits in your purse, your backpack, or your glovebox (you know, if you're an "on the go" type). Many are multi-speed and some are waterproof, and, best of all, they can be used inside and outside (which are not the same thing as indoors and outdoors - but I guess that applies, too). The Pure Romance Bullet is a worthy companion, but if you're looking for something to match your purse, start here:

6. The Esse Liberator. You mean you didn't know that there's a whole genre of sex FURNITURE? Yes, there is. And it's pretty badass. This particular chair is also known as a Tantra Liberator. But hey, I'm not going to so much tell you HOW to use it; only TO use it. Lucky for us, most folks wouldn't recognize these for what they are if they were sitting in the middle of your living room. So give it a try. But you won't find this at Crate & Barrel. Try here:

Stock up on batteries. I recommend rechargeables.


* Saera Jane *

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