Saturday, July 25, 2015

The 8-Point Sex Practicum

Unchained Jane has been talking a big game about sex for the last two weeks. The intent, of course, has been to give women a little leg up in exploring and discussing their own sexuality. But let's take it back to some universal truths that all women should learn and accept as part of a healthy sex life. No one's sex life is all puppy dogs and ice cream cones - or chains and whips, for that matter. There is a practical side to your sexual experiences that you won’t necessarily hear from Cosmo. Carry this Practicum with you as you go about your future forays. 

1. Knowing your limitations in the bedroom: not all of us are Gumby. We can’t all bend over and touch our toes, and that is okay.  We don’t need to be gymnasts to explore new positions or sexual acts.

2. Communication, communication, communication: using your words to let your partner know what feels good and what works for you, but also, listening to your partner’s needs is an important part of communicating. As I reach a more mature age, I find that sometimes my partner needs something different to feel satisfied. As long as we communicate our desires to one another, we can both be fulfilled.

3. Exploring options: once again, as age sets in, we can’t always maintain the same level of arousal. Introducing more toys or foreplay to the bedroom can be a good thing. Also LUBE, don’t forget the lube!

4. Not everyone needs to orgasm to have a gratifying sexual experience: this is something I have learned having reached my mid-thirties. It is okay to have a sexual experience with your partner where only one of you, or sometimes neither of you, end in climax. It can be satisfying to just have the intimacy of being close to another person.

5. Laughter can be good: sex is funny and weird and sometimes your bodies make funny noises.  I once drooled on a partner; it was gross but we laughed and kept going and it made the experience more intimate. Embrace the funniness of sex and enjoy the comradery of laughing naked together.

6. Your libido will ebb and flow: sometimes your sex drive doesn’t match with your partners. It can be frustrating but it is natural. Stress, health, work - shoot, just day-to-day life - can affect your level of desire. Understanding and accepting that this can, and will, happen can allow you to make it through a slow spell. 

7. Fantasies are fun: figuring out what turns you on can be a liberating experience. You don’t have to necessarily share your thoughts with your partner (although doing so can be the really fun part!), but thinking about and imagining the things that turn you on can lead to real life arousal and desire. 

8. It’s not all about romance and candles: don’t get me wrong pampering yourself and your lover in the bedroom is a good thing, but life doesn’t always give you time for a leisurely session of lovemaking. Sometimes the stereotypical “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” will satisfy your desires just a well as a marathon session in the sack. There is nothing wrong with just needing five minutes of sex.

This list is super practical. Nothing fancy about the information I am sharing, but, for me, it has been liberating to come to these realizations. We don’t always talk about the more factual side of sex and this list is full of things it took me years to figure out. Shoot, I can’t lie I am still figuring a lot of stuff out, but these are some fundamental ideas I wish I had embraced years ago. Now quit reading this blog and go get your groove on. 

* Betty Jane, Contributing Writer *

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