Thursday, July 2, 2015

The 6 Types of Patriots You'll See on 4th of July (and How to ApproachThem)



It's 4th of July time and you know what that means - the superfly, gung-ho, hoorah, over-the-top patriots come out to play, and they want to talk to YOU about 'Merica! We've decided that it really is imperative to have a Lookout List so you can easily spot the various types of Red, White 'n' Blue enthusiasts and navigate them effortlessly and still have a great holiday. 

The "I Pass Out Before the Fireworks" Patriot:

Tip toe. Carefully. I repeat: CAREFULLY. Far away. And clear a people-less crop circle around him. If this guy hears you rattle a beer can, he will be up and at 'em again...and, likely, shouting some unintelligible, highly romanticized tirade about how much he LOOOOOOVES America (I mean, we all love this country, but this guy REEEEEAALLY LOOOOVES this country - like, so much, man, so much). Make sure at least three other people are between you and this love muffin when the fireworks start. 

The "Shock and Awe" Patriot: 

This guy is usually totally sober (I know, right?!) and sporting his match-y, awe-inspiring, shockingly sexy getup (usually sleeveless) just for some good ol' American attention-whoring. But, honestly, he's fairly harmless and probably really sweet. Rub that schexxy belly, compliment his impeccable taste, and grab that shield in case someone wakes Sleeping Beauty above.

The Jackass Patriot: 

Ugh. This guy. The Jackass Patriot is always the loudest, most obnoxious, and most annoying spectacle there - at an ACTUAL spectacle centered on an ACTUAL grand fireworks display. Yeah. The Jackass needs to prove his patriotism by performing "daring" antics and making himself out to be a bigger deal than the 4th of fucking July. Your best bet is to avoid eye contact at all costs. Otherwise, you'll be expected to be his new fangirl for the night with all your feminine admiration and womanly lust centered on him and his amazingness. Circle the party opposite of his given location and cross your fingers he lights himself on fire. 

The Ambiguous Patriot:

The Ambiguous Patriot is possibly your mother's cousin's best friend's dorky son, who just feels like he has to dress up and look festive for the party to impress everyone. OR he's a psychopath that no one actually invited. You just don't know. Do you want to find out? I didn't think so. Make sure you're in a strategic position close to the group at Fireworks Time so other people can hear you scream before he drags you into the woods. 

The Self-Absorbed Patriot:

The Self-Absorbed Patriot doesn't even know you're there. Or that anyone is there. Or what the party is for. Oh! It's America's Birthday? That's pretty sweet. Now check out those guns. I mean, he's been hittin' the gym and he's up to 100-lb bench press and, man, he's so sore from all those squats. Find this guy if you need a nap.

The True Badass Patriot:

The True Badass Patriot is the absolute BEST. If you can hang with him for the entire party, you're guaranteed an amazing time! Our TBP loves America - he has enough years under his belt to have a lock on some history behind it. The True Badass has actually seen most America upclose and personal, and he has an appreciation for life and a depth of understanding of this country that most of us can only hope to gain at some point in our lifetime. This Patriot isn't interested in anything on the 4th other than drinking a few beers (or 8) and leisurely chatting the day away. And, lucky girl, since he's probably seen more vagina than you have, he's got the BEST stories. 

The "God Bless America" Patriot:


God Bless America. That is all. 

From us to all you Janes, have a fabulous 4th of July! 

* Saera Jane *




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